About estranged family

Recently, I found myself sitting with a patient Elsa, who was crying inconsolably in my office. It turns out that her sister had stolen her inheritance out from under her. It wasn't the loss of the money that was devastating her, however; it was the shocking betrayal by her only sibling.

Elsa's sister Joyce had gotten their dying mother to change her will at the last minute, leaving everything to her. Their mother had been ill for a long time and Joyce had found a way to convince their mother that she and not Elsa really needed and deserved the substantial inheritance.

During our session, Elsa kept repeating, over and over, "I don't understand how she could have done this. I don't understand why!" Although they had never been close and in fact, had only seen each-other at family gatherings for the past several years, Elsa didn't think that there was any animosity between them; certainly not enough to cause Joyce to do such an awful thing.

Despite the fact that Elsa was utterly confused by her sister's behavior, I understood it all too well, as it was representative About estranged family of a pattern of sibling behavior that I'd observed many times before. I have heard dozens of similar stories where one adult sibling turns against another, shocking and horrifying the person who never would have expected their sibling to stoop so low. The betrayal was almost always having to do with money of inheritance, and it always arose from a particular type of family dynamic.

Elsa and Joyce had grown up with parents who were extremely involved in the successful family business and very neglectful toward them both. From early on, the girls had had to learn how to fend for themselves. Elsa was older than Joyce by two years and had taken almost a parental role with her, helping Joyce with her homework and listening to Joyce's hopes and fears. Despite this, they weren't really close while growing up; having very separate activities and groups of friends.

When they married, they grew even further apart but were always cordial when they saw each-other at family holidays and events. This is why Elsa was so surprised by Joyce's seemingly inexplicable behavior around the will. What Elsa couldn't know is how the siblings of dysfunctional families tend to end up at odds with each-other.

A dysfunctional family is one in which there is either abuse, neglect or both going on. The adults may not get along and might expose their children to terrible arguments or even physical fights. Conversely, the parents might be allies who care for and protect each-other at the expense of their children.

In a dysfunctional family, the parents are inadequate or abusive. As a result, there is not enough love available for the children. Sometimes there's no love at all. This sets up an unconscious competition between the children for whatever love might be available. During childhood, one child might ingratiate themselves to one or both parents in an attempt to get some attention from them. They are simply doing their best to survive in an environment deficient of the emotional necessities of life.